Mean Cows and the Ungoogleable Camel Man

I hate cows. I really do.

What type of person hates cows, you ask?

The owners of infinitely stylishly fabulous gumboots, who have a penchant for rugged camel man types who have no fear or scruples to deal with cows, do.

Some of you will remember that a few years ago a fantastically bright designer hit on the idea that gumboots did not have to be dreary at all. It was a truly happy day. I got red ones with little white polka dots. They were in a word: fabulous. They made playing outside fun. They made walking around farms in the Cape Town winter fun and stylish. They made me love shoes all over again. They were even better than chocolate for a while.

Until the unfortunate cow incident.

At the time, my much beloved sister and dad had hit on the idea of keeping cows. Many of them. Until today I am not sure why.

I was dating the ultimate un-googleable Camel Man at the time . Un-googleable Camel Man offered to bring the cows home. Yes really. Hahaha. I, foolishly offered to go with him. Ungoogleable Camel Man got side-tracked fixing a fence. The cows - and there was a particularly nastly looking one with a mean expression on its face cornered me at the tree - and one licked my boots. It wasn't glamorous. I cannot honestly say that my life flashed before my eyes. It wasn't even bloody terrifying in an urban terrorism kind of way. I just felt trapped by animals who have surprisingly long tongues.

Instead of rescuing me Ungoogleable Camel Man was literally holding his stomach bent over in uncontrollable mirth. No he wasn't really the type to laugh out loud. Guess he still is, but since he refuses to get a Facebook profile I have no idea of his new humour-habits. He was more of a snorter - that is why this was even worse.

So in my never-ending relentless search for news, I happened upon a support group for people suffering of cow phobia. This is part of their support literature: "'A cow is a domestic animal and it is an essential part of human life. In reality, a cow is a meek and docile animal and it is not at all aggressive in nature. Therefore, phobia of cows is quite unnatural and somewhat irrelevant."

What the hell? Let one of them chase you into a tree and lick your boots, lady, and then you tell me it is irrelevant.

Next I had to tick a few boxes to see if I am a genuine cow-phobic and not some wannabee.

Breathlessness (Jip. Might however have been presence of Ungoogleable Camel Man - he had that effect on me)

Excessive sweating (No, that is just gross)

Nausea (slightly but was definitely due to hangover)

Shaking (Only in feet department and might be due to excessive licking)

Heart palpitations (See above comments on Ungoogleable Camel Man)

Fear of death (Uhhh, not really)

Sudden madness (What the hell? Unless meaning mad as in really, really angry at sight of Ungoogleabe Camel Man doubled over in mirth)

Sense of detachment (Nope, unless fear of them actually ruining my fabulous boots count)

So it turns out that I don't really have a phobia - more of a justified avoidance-coping-strategy - except that there is a particularly nasty-looking one that I have encountered on my last few morning runs and it looks like she has a penchant for Nike...